Take Back My Life Plan – 2021
We start from love, an intimate act of passion, romance and human nature. When the world opens up to you, it is full of joy and wonder and all you have is your instinct.
You are guided as a precious innocent toddler and start to pick up different techniques as you travel through life. Then the conditioning sets in, and you are instilled with culture and principles or sometimes not guided at all. I see there are many children that pass their parents mentally by the age of 8. Then the child is left to fend for themselves and figure it all out. What kind of conditions lie deep within that child 40 years later? Probably a sense of overbearing, but not by choice, by how that child was raised.
There are those that got the total opposite treatment and were loved so much by their parents they never were exposed to harm or foul. They were given a $100 bill each day for lunch money in elementary school, following on to High School and now is homeless and doesn’t know how to deal with real life problems.
How do we find a balance in life and not be so extreme one way or the other? That is the magic riddle and it is truly up to our conditioning, our influence, our path. What if we look back at our path and see the winding roads, the embrace, the left, the right, the up and very far down………what if we want to elevate and take a new path?
I feel that is where we truly get to develop our destiny. The next step is always the hardest, it is the step of unknown and uncertainty. Think about it, in our %ucked up lives we know the result, we know the outcome, we know exactly what is going to happen when we react the same exact way we have been reacting for the past 20 years! When you do the same things day in and day out, you will continually get the same results. Yet, we crave for a different outcome, we visualize it, we strive to create it, we focus on it but when it comes to real life and we try to live it what happens? It comes out completely different than how we rehearsed it in our minds.
I write the most beautiful love stories in my head, I sing songs to my wife, and dance with her, and romance her daily……..in my head. Seriously, every morning I write love letters, I prance like a little school kid, I envision the most beautiful picnics on the grass and can literally feel the wind upon my face. (But does it ever happen???)
Then I step in the shower, then I start to think about my day. Ohhhhh no……..here comes life. Things I start to think in my head: what proposals for my company do I need to finalize, I need to get my quarterly taxes done, I need to register the RV but I have to get a windshield first, but there is no windshields due to covid, my poor daughter Azzy has Covid, and I can’t even go see her, her mother has covid and she has terrible lungs, I hope she is ok, I wish she had her inhaler, how do I get her one, I wish I knew, I wonder if I paid my whole staff this week, I sure do appreciate my chef, hope he is ok, I will stop and pray for his health, now I am going to pray for my mom, oh how I love my mom, I wish her health was better, which brings me to my dad, I love him so much but he is not doing the best, I will pray for him too, why can’t I be a success like so many of my dear friends, why can’t I love my wife the way I want to, what a jerk I am, I should improve on my father skills, my poor children, how can they ever have a chance going from one house to another, why can I not be like my parents who had children together and stayed married still, I hope my brother is ok, I worry for him, I wish I treated him better in this life, I see my friends that have such good relationships with their brothers, why can’t I, what a jerk I have been to my brother. Ok shower is over (and I take quick showers) and I step out of shower fully depressed and super fragile and not ready to handle life.
My wife or children will enter and unload their problems on me and I break. Seriously what the fuck!!!!! This is me!!!! Mr. Positive go lucky!!!! I am my own worse enemy and I know it. I truly have glorious mind bending amazing thoughts and then in one turn of my mind darkness takes over and there is no more light.
But now here is the kicker, are you ready????? It has probably cost me my family life, marriage and career to find it but there is a way to avoid all of this. Find something that truly makes you happy and never ever stop doing it! Keep learning and progressing and don’t let anyone stand in your way! Be kind to those everywhere and always be look for the positive in everything for you will find it if you look hard enough. Be true to yourself first then be there for others, you will be at the best you can be. Be thankful in everything you are given and never take the smallest thing for granted. Find inner peace through your own spirituality of the God that loves us so very deeply and trust in that beyond anything else. Tell the truth even if it hurts and you don’t want to, it is always better that way. Make time for yourself every single day, you may have to wake up early or stay up late but you must do this. Make time for your partner and love on them even if you don’t want to and encourage them to do what makes them happy even if you don’t understand it. (I have failed miserably at this in my relationships, I am sorry) Call your parents if they are still alive, you will regret it when they are gone. Don’t have a fork up your ass all the time, it hurts.
I am progressing forward to remove that rusty fork that has been stuck for way to long now. I can not believe I have been going through life not realizing we are all different. For some crazy reason I have felt that everyone knows the same things I do, that you think the same way I think. That you feel the same way I feel. What a world I lived in, but I feel so thankful I am on a path to be set free.
I was watching an interesting chef movies last night called PIG starring Nicholas Cage. He said a line in the movie that really stood out. “We don’t get a lot of things to truly care about.” What he meant was, the things in this life that you will get truly care about is small, make sure what ever it is that you love and care about, you go all the way. I know now I truly care about making music and I can’t wait to dive in.
I have a confession to make that I am super duper scared of small talk. Seriously, I have huge anxiety about making small talk with strangers, everyone is shocked when I tell them this but it is the truth. I am working on this and trying to face the battle head on by going to therapy and trying to talk to more strangers about nothing, it’s actually nice.
The reason I do not like to talk to people about nothing, is because I think about so much stuff in my head that I feel like I’m ignoring them. And then I start to feel bad. It sounds silly but it is true. I am trying to calm my thoughts, but there are so many.
I hope together as a society we start to treat each other with love and respect and realize that we are all so vastly different.
By Paul Allen – Still Trying To Figure It All Out
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